


Of Course He Left

by dyllpickless



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emetophobia, M/M, Mind Reading, Other, Peter Nureyev Needs a Hug, Peter Nureyev's Backstory, Post-Episode: s01e18 Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place, Self-Doubt, bby be sad in this one, it doesn't actually happen but some may still find it triggering, like the aftermath but yeah, nureyev-typical ageism, nureyev-typical self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-29 01:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30148593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyllpickless/pseuds/dyllpickless
Summary: Nureyev woke up to an empty bed and a pit in his stomach. In that moment, he could only conjure up one thought:Of course he left.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	Of Course He Left

**Author's Note:**

> new special interest who dis  
> like i said in the tags, if you have emetophobia you may want to tread lightly. It™ doesn't actually happen, but it may still be triggering

_ Of course he left. _

Nureyev took in a shaky breath and ran a hand through his unkempt hair, reveling in the feeling of disgust that settled in his stomach at his state of disarray. He deserved it, after all. He was disgusting. 

He should have picked up on the signs. How lukewarm Juno was about leaving, no matter how many times Nureyev had checked in. How much time he took to answer and to passively confirm that he would like to run away together. How hesitant Juno seemed to be when they first embraced.

It’s his fault. Juno didn’t even say that he loved him back. Nureyev just  _ had _ to go and say that he was in love with Juno, and when Juno danced around saying it back, Nureyev was naïve enough to take that as enough. And then he fell asleep first—something he had never done in his very long history of sleeping in the same bed as another person (or other people, depending on what worked out best). He let his guard down so completely, and Juno saw who he truly was, and he was disgusted at what he saw. And so he left.

He didn’t want to think about Juno lying to him. He wanted to trust Juno. He  _ does _ (did?) trust him. But he couldn’t shake away that thought of how maybe all of those beautiful and mournful words Juno had said through that door, mere seconds before the bomb went off, were all just simple platitudes. Juno was just trying to make Nureyev feel better about how he was about to die. 

Nureyev ran through the sequence of events millions of times in those seconds since he fully woke up and actually realized what was going on. The expanse of blankets next to him were cold, prompting Nureyev to draw his knees up to his chest and pull the comforter close. In his cocoon, he thought about what had happened, analyzing it from every angle like he was mentally debriefing about a hiccup he’d encountered during a heist. No matter how many different ways he tried to approach it, he could only reach the same one conclusion:

Juno didn’t mean any of it.

The thought of Juno lying to Nureyev made him grit his teeth and will his stomach to keep his dinner down.

_ Nureyev, you idiot, _ he scolded himself. 

A few more minutes of his mind drifting, and Nureyev realized something else. In all the chaos of fighting Miasma, he’d completely forgotten that he let Juno reach inside his mind and learn about him. In an instant, all the blood drained from his face. His stomach heaved so violently that he sat up to lean over the trash can that was next to the bed. Nothing came up, so Nureyev just sat there, shivering and trying to hold back tears.  _ There’s no use crying. You did this to yourself. _

_ Which of the millions of awful, monstrous things that I’ve done did Juno see? Which one made him leave? _

There was no use in speculating, of course. It didn’t matter what Juno saw. He still thought Nureyev was a monster, and that was what counted. Monstrous enough that Juno lied to him then slipped away in the dead of night so as to avoid any confrontation. Nureyev knew he was a force to be reckoned with, and before Juno, he had always relished in the power he felt from being feared. But with Juno… 

_ Was he afraid of me? _

It would explain why Juno wanted to avoid talking to him face to face about leaving, why Juno lied about wanting to be with him. But what was the point of kissing Nureyev? What did he gain from the cuddling, the kisses, the—well, the  _ everything _ .

He took in another shuddering breath. There was no use in keeping his mind in the past. A good thief is always moving forward, onto bigger and better things. Nureyev may go over to the neighboring system, do some light jewel thievery to take his mind off things. He wanted some new clothes anyway. And maybe after that… 

His mind grasped at the future, trying to find something to plan for and look forward to, but it just kept bouncing back to Juno. His smile filled Nureyev’s mind, and he couldn’t decide if he wanted to smile back or curl into a ball and start crying.

“First things first,” Nureyev directed himself, “you’re leaving. No reason for one person to sleep in a hotel room for two.” He’d be able to lose himself in the routine of touching up his makeup, slicking his hair back, making sure everything was in its proper place. Then he’d move on.

_ A thief shouldn’t have anything tying them down, anyway, _ he told himself, and ignored the lingering smell of Juno Steel in the air. He always was better working solo, anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! will i write more? who knows! not me :) please lmk if you liked this, though. i'm still trying to get their voices down, but yeah!


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